Sleeping in Church
Anyway, I am stubborn. But life experience has taught me to be that way. To be protective of my space and my being. To be in control. I had to be. I used to let my husband lead but yeah....fuck that. That's a whole different blog. On a whole different night. AFTER 2 glasses of pinot grigio.
But I am an observer. Analyzer. Thinker. I always wanted to know what and why when I saw people fall out at church. I was NEVER gonna do that. I mean, to lose composure...in a room of people. Uh, yeah. I'll pass.
Today, the holy spirit had a totally different plan for my ass. Last week, at a women's conference, I was comfortable enough to open up. Tears and all. Folks prayed around me. While, I had my eyes closed, trying hard to say focused on prayer, I got light headed. I felt like the room was leaning. "shit!" I thought, "what's that??"
I quickly shook it off. I'm stubborn remember. I kept my head down. My balance returned and no one was the wiser.
Today, a church friend pulled me up to the alter with her an her mom. I don't really know her, not really. She texted me out of the blue one day to tell me about problems with some nigga. Um, okay. I offered advise but that was the extent of that.
Her mother was crying and speaking to me about my not really knowing Jesus. I don't. I became emotional because I really want to. I want a relationship with God. I want to understand, to feel as if he is all I need to be sustained.
But my life of abandonment, betrayal, hurt. Fuck, its the hurt that has you all fucked up for decades. Fucks with your self esteem. Your self worth. You feel inadequate and unworthy. So you fuck with people that treat you as such.
While crying, I whispered to her mom, "I am alone in this world."
That's how I feel. Totally alone and in darkness at times.
So more tears. More breaking down. Feeling as if I was losing control. But I was comfortable enough to do so, in the bosom of an elder church lady.
My guard was breaking down. I could feel myself becoming not so much weak, but lighter.
Another woman came up.
This woman says, "god told me to tell you last week that you are not invisible..."
What??? How did she know that's how I was feeling. I broke down. Crying, snot. It wasn't pretty.
She was praying, speaking in tongues". But I heard very clearly, "Enough"
What I remember after that is lying down on what I came to realize was the floor. But I was calm. Like the still before the morning. I was tired, exhausted and very clearly again heard, "rest". I felt my body relax and I thought I went to sleep. I am not for sure because I could hear noises around me. But I don't know if they were talking to me or not. In MY mind, I was sleeping. I was calm. I had no urge to move. The best way I can describe it is that I was in the most restful sleep in my life.
I was not paying attention to the voices around me. They were like background noise. Like sleeping with the TV on. I was calm. For me, it was 6am, the ocean, and stillness....
I don't know how long I was there. But after a while, I heard my pastors voice. He was near. The voice was above me. I could not understand what he was saying. But now, in my mind, I was awake.
I tried to get up. I could not. My head and body were "stuck" to the floor. It felt magnetic. My head was heavy. I like literally could not move. I called for help. Several times. Now I was "aware". The second woman was telling people not to touch me. I could not move my body or open my eyes. I don't know if I was actually calling for them to help me get up or if it were in my head.
My eyes opened. Finally.
Now this is the weird part. I KNEW I was in church, but I didn't know where I was. I was confused. My body was EXHAUSTED. I was tired as shit! I just wanted to lay down and go back to sleep.
Long story short, I don't know exactly what happened. I FELT lighter, free. Like it was all gone. Everything. The anger, resentment, pridefulness, stubbornness...everything..gone. Like my over 30 years of shit was gone. Just like that. Gone.
I don't know what happened. I don't.
I FEEL better, though.
I'm not resistant to God being in control of my life anymore.
And for tonight, just for tonight, in this moment, I am okay.
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