"Who Do You Think You Are?"
It was very matter of fact. Like someone had their hands on their hips, challenging me. Questioning me. Like a parent would say to a child.
I let the thought go. I figured it had something to do with my current thoughts. The tone of the voice alone was authoritative. So, it wasn't like a angry peer or anything like that. It was definitely hands on the hips, standing over top of me, very dominant communication.
But quite simply, "who do you think you are?"
And I communicated that occurrence to my girlfriend at work. I like to convey little things like that so that I will have "receipts" that this is all so very real.
Now that occurrence in the hall was AFTER the womens conference but BEFORE that day in church.
So, I was lying on my bed. I texted my spiritual advisor because I was in a place of longing and confusion. Remember in a previous post, I contacted my advisor about laying in Gods arms again. I wanted to be at peace. This was the same conversation.
That day I was given a few bible versus' to read. One was Deuteronomy 4:29. The bible app gave me up to verse 31. I read down to 40.
I had to read the "Message" bible because, I like a lot of folks, have a very difficult time understanding the bible. Its just not written in a way that I can immediately garner understanding. I didn't understand Shakespeare either. Barely passed that shit.
But basically, the verse was that God is God. We have to seek him seriously and be obedient to his word. When we are wounded, he will not leave us as he has made a promise to the ancestors. Oh... okay. I got it. I understood. Great. I laid back down, still lost, confused, lonely. Started working on my lap top.
But much later, days, it hit me. I remembered the voice. The question. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
I've have been through so much. Way too much to type. This summer, I questioned God. I was broken. Destroyed. Dismantled piece by piece. I knew who God was. I have acknowledged his presence in my life before. I didn't have full understanding but I was at least aware.
But this summer, shit. I was kinda angry. Distant. Had cried in the women's conference and asked God for help. To not leave me. To not abandon my smile. To be present as people kept saying he was.
And that night at work, I guess he had had enough of my hindpots:
"WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?"
Hands on the hips. Matter of fact tone. I heard it so clearly.
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?"
I let the thought go. It wasn't something that I dwelled on. I let it go because I still had remnants of the pain of my marriage, issues with my childhood, other aspects of my adult life. I wasn't interested in trying to decifer some message that I heard in the middle of the night when my ass was sleepy anyway. I mean, I am who I made myself to be, right?
Ego is a terrible thing...
But this summer caused a lot of doubt and questioning, hurt and confusion.
A lot of "what the hell?? After ALL I've been through?? Really, God?"
My arrogance would not allow me to SEE his work. His preparation.
God knew I could not deal with what he had in store for my marriage. He knew that I could not handle it alone. As strong as I appear, he knows that I am the pieced together. My fabric is weathered. My heart has never been whole.
So when everything happened when it did, God had already covered me. I just didn't see it. LAST summer, God put it in my heart to return to church. I didn't know why. But the urge was so strong, I reached out to my pastor on social media. I had not spoken to him in 18 years. He invited me to come back "home".
But that was the set up!! The preparation. See, I cant make this stuff up! God KNEW that I could not handle what was about to happen. Of all the stuff I had been through in my life, THIS one was going to test everything in me. He walked my butt back down Lens avenue and sat me down on the pew and said, "wait right here".
So I did. I sat in church. Sunday after Sunday. Alone. Quiet. Observing. Listening.
And then...BOOM!!! Shit fell apart. Like, shattered. Remember the song, "Stranger In My House?" Like that...
I honestly endured the worst time of my life. I realized that I was alone in the physical world. That is was a very frightening thought. I was a scared little girl again. Body covered in bruises. And no one cared. Thankfully, the depths of that time period did not last long. And I gained a better understanding about the situation.
I was not a victim.
The revelation of my husbands actions was not about ME. That was Gods way of dealing with HIM and HIS actions. The way that situation unfolded was not about ME. That was HIS story and that was how God choose to began dealing with HIM. It really wasnt about me.
But God NEEDED me to be protected BEFORE all that happened. He needed me in HIS house. Under HIS love. He KNOWS me. And as promised, he was not going to abandon me, Deuteronomy4:31.
I see that now. The way all of that lined up...Theres so much more that I could tell you. Its too much to type. But I cant even begin to tell you how methodical God is. How strategic his plan was. How deeply he expressed that he was not gonna let me go.
But that night, my mind wasn't there. I was focusing on what purging meant. But in doing that, shit comes back to the surface and I start asking "why?"
Its just very habitual and very human.
But honestly, what more does God have to do to prove he exists? What more does God have to do in MY life to prove that he has been with me the entire way? What more does God have to do to show that EVERY STEP OF THE WAY, I have been covered? That he IS and HAS been preparing me....
I don't know. I really dont.
I just know that children will be disobedient. They will defy. They will disappoint. I am no different.
I could not always see what God has done for me. This summer, I couldn't see what God's plan of protection was because I was stuck in the "why?" and "how come?"
I guess he got tired of me whining.
So that night in the hallway, as with any parent who has to address the irreverence of a child that they have done so much for, God asked me,
"Who do you think you are??"
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