Fire and Desire

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I want to be as honest as possible because this blog is for ME and I am being honest with and about ME. I want to look back and see exactly where I was. This is not a fairy tale. No one is going to snap their fingers and I am just gonna be changed. Delivered. Made holy. No. Nothing like that. This is not a fairy tale.



I am angry today. And it has nothing to do with God (I don’t think) or anything that I am trying to figure out or anything like that. I am angry. I am angry at my circumstances. I am angry that I am alone. I am angry at WHY I am alone. I am angry at theses bitches I work with. I am angry at my family. I am angry that everybody who has come into my life follows a pattern. They activate my vulnerability and for whatever reason, disappear. Sometimes in a hail of gunfire and sometimes, they just go…

And I’m kinda done with people. I stay to myself too because I am well aware that people like me do not get to experience good love or real love. People do not fuck with us because of WHO we are. We don’t get the benefit of being loved, or valued, or cherished, or taken care of.

We get the lust factor. The “who the fuck is that” factor. The “damn she fine” factor. The “she got a fat ass” or “imma get that” factor. We get fucked but don’t get fucked with. At least not for long.


I have a girlfriend. Same thing. She gets it. She gets ME. Women hate her. Men wanna fuck her. But nobody gives a shit about WHO she is. At least not until after she gives them what they want. My heart hurts for her because she is forever in search of love. I have succumbed to the realization that I will never be “loved”. I will be NEEDED. And maybe that is why I am here. I guess. Not everybody can have everything. Maybe, I am not supposed to have love. We all can’t be millionaires.

But I do wonder sometimes if God is REALLY all I need for love. People say all the time. God is love.  God loves me. How do I KNOW that. I understand he gave his son. I understand I’m “alive”. All of that. But until a person is fully convicted, those explanations don’t really hit the mark. It just a very well written, story.  Its repeatable and acceptable in appropriate situations…

I have a facebook friend who always talks about loving God. He is EVERYTHING to her! I BELIEVE her. I have been in her presence. She is rare. Her energy and spirit is unlike most of us. There is something about HER. Somebody sent her here. She is one of those gems in the universe that is unexplainable. She is a rare soul. And I believe her.

Could it really be that God is all anybody needs?

I am not there yet. I am still very much human. Still very much in my flesh and of the flesh. My human side wants love. My human side hates lonely. I like being alone, but not lonely. Not to this degree.

And I have so much desire inside of me. Physical desire. My ass is on fire. All day. Every fucking day. And am I to simply ignore that. Pray it away? To be honest, I don’t want to. It feels good. Nothing else to say about that.

But THAT also makes me angry. Because the desire is SO STRONG. Especially around certain people. I have to really try to control it. Try to control my thoughts and my body. Luckily I have been able to not get involved with just anybody for that purpose. I still have SOME sense. Some self respect. Some WANT to restrain myself. But I am definitely redefining the perimeters of my sexuality.  I'd like to be involved with someone who understands my shit. Accepts my non physical expressions as well as my body. Someone who accepts me in my "right now" and is cool with that. 

But understand, I have never been a whore. Never been “loose”. Never been "out there". It never interest me before. But trust me, at this point in my life, my application is pending…

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