Chasing the Dragon

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Yes, I inhaled. I don't think it was my conscious decision at the time, but yes. I took a long puff, held it in my lungs, exhaled years of bullshit through my noise and laid down in his arms. I transcended to a state that is unknown to the scientific man. 

And from what I was told, I was with God. 

Amazing. I got to do that BEFORE dying. Before I had to stand before him and explain my life. Before my halfway comical, halfway cynical, intuitive, sensitive ass got to say, "Okay God, what had happened was..."

But I am okay with that explanation of my ordeal in church. It makes sense. I was ASKING for him. Something. Anything. My relationship with my mother and sisters is broken. God used another "mother and sister" to reach me, to usher me closer to him. Nice move! 

But the air was clean like eucalyptus. A weightlessness ensured. I was at a level of peace and euphoria that is unimaginable in the flesh. I was high off the Holy Spirit. 

I wanted to be in that state forever. I actually felt pretty good afterwards. Days afterwards. 

But as life continues, stressors return. Situations return. I am gaining understanding. Buts its a slow process. And there's still the need for God to just "take it away". NOW. 

I tried looking at scriptures. I talk to one of my best friends, who is a minister. I talk to my own spiritual advisor at church. But, I NEEDED something. I couldn't put my finger on it. But I had an urgency to know, to understand God. To be at peace. Maybe, I just needed to lay with him again.

That's what I am looking for!! 

That serenity. That peace. Where its just me and him and peace. Breathing eucalyptus. 

I asked my spiritual advisor about what I needed to do to get back there. To get back in Gods arms. Just for a minute. Like, when you go to someone for a hug to get through your day. The warmth and comfort of someone you trust. 

Well...

Apparently, what I experienced only happens one time. What?? 

BUT, here's how my advisor explained it to me. And God gave it to HIM in a way that I could comprehend. I have been in behavioral medicine for like 15 years. Addicts are my everyday life. So, I get addiction. The manifestation of that disease, the physiologic responses, the uncontrollable desire...I get it. 

So, like an addict, I NEEDED God. I sought him throughout the day. Conversations with my friend. Music. Ah, the music. It ministers to me and brings me closer.

But, that feeling of euphoria, that first high, will never happen again. 

Not because God will never be with me or make himself known to me again. But simply because like a developing addict, my body, my mind, my spirit is no longer a clean slate. I've been internally and eternally affected. My spiritual being has been changed and it will never be the same again. 

And unlike drugs, God is not a disease. He is the anecdote. 

So, I will never experience the same effect again. My future encounters will be tailored for THAT situation in which God needs me to be still in THAT moment. 

That day in church, because I had been asking, he made himself known to me. 

And what I understood my advisor to be communicating to me was:

 You never meet the same person twice for the first time. 

And I had to extend my hand and heart and say, "God, its nice to meet you..."






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