Not Yet

-


Anxious af. Western culture is anxious af. We live in the future. We prepare for the "what if". That's what insurance is about. The "what if". Just in case some shit happens. But in living like that, we are hurried. There is irreverence for the "now".  We cant enjoy the "now" because we already lived it...yesterday.

But anxious. Yes. That's how I am with Gods plan for me. I need it now. So I can pencil it in. Prepare for my presentation. Press my suit. Name tag. Briefcase. I wanna be ready. I AM ready.

But that's my ego, though.

No honestly, I'll get heart palpitations. I cant breathe. I don't understand this phase or "transition" but I'm all for it. Lets do it!!

So,  I attended a church service yesterday. I'm not sure why I didn't go to my home church. I had thought about a church closer to my home. Not to join but I don't know what I was doing. Like I said, I'm anxious and I don't really have anyone to talk to right now. I was just looking for something. Anything, again.

But I ended up at church down the street. It was an old church. Built in 1889, I think. Older folks. Not like me. Like seasoned church folk. 70's and up. We sang out of the hymn book. I didn't even know churches still had those. We even did call and response.

So, I'm listening. Relating. Church is church.

The preacher said, "Be patient. You are not strong enough yet."

Whoa!!! Wayment…

I FELT that. I received it. That's so profound. My spiritual advisor told me God was about to do something great with me. He used the word "sanctified". I looked it up. "To make holy and without sin". Um, not sure about that one. My ass is...well that's another blog.

But be patient, you are not strong enough. No...I'm not.

I didn't think of it that way until yesterday. That familiar saying of God will never give you more than you can handle resonated.

My life, my 43 years, this past summer, shit. I am just learning to purge. To be open and real with God about my own shit. My halo has an on and off switch. Trust me.

As far as his plan for me, my spiritual legs are still weak. I am not strong enough. I have not conditioned myself for the race. I have done a couple of half marathons. I know how training works. For endurance, you must train daily. But have I been training to condition myself for Gods plan?

Nope.

Thats why sometimes when I am in church or I hear a relatable gospel song, I cant breathe and my heart beats fast as shit. I am spiritually out of shape. I have not conditioned myself for the race to the throne.

And I can only conceive that I have to pray, study the word, ask questions, seek guidance, stay focused, "keep my house clean" as  my friend told me. These things will help me become convicted, stronger, and prepare me to be a champion for Christ.

I MUST do these things daily. I understand commitment about a 13.1 mile race. The sacrafice is daily. So why am I not practicing the "daily" with God?

Wow...the process...

"Be patient. You are not strong enough yet".

Here is what I understand:

I need to calm my anxious butt all the way down! Cause right now, God is not going to give me his plan for me because, quite simply, I ain't ready.






Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"Who Do You Think You Are?"

-
Image
After the womens conference, I had to work the midnight shift. Nothing big. I just had to watch a patient sleep. But whenever I have to do that, I watch YouTube on my phone, get involved in deep thought, draw, whatever. But I was clearly affected by the conference. I was thinking of what I could possibly talk about during a devotional. And very clearly, I heard, "Who do you think you are?" It was very matter of fact. Like someone had their hands on their hips, challenging me. Questioning me. Like a parent would say to a child. I let the thought go. I figured it had something to do with my current thoughts. The tone of the voice alone was authoritative. So, it wasn't like a angry peer or anything like that. It was definitely hands on the hips, standing over top of me, very dominant communication. But quite simply, "who do you think you are?" And I communicated that occurrence to my girlfriend at work. I like to convey little things like that so that I w...
Read more

Check Mate

-
Image
                              Right as its about to get cold outside, I’m realizing its cold as fuck in church. Nothing about this is pleasant. I’m at work crying. I hate this right now. My mind isn’t clear enough to pray. So I am trying to write. Trying to use an anti-septic wipe to scrub “play me” off my forehead. Its like you go to church to be cleansed. I guess. To be cleansed of whatever the hell life has put on you. But it doesn’t take long to realize that folks in the church are dirty gamers. They got the new shit before the new shit even comes out.   The looks. The back stabbing. The sabotage. The evilness. Strife. Damn. Some of these people need anti-septic wipes more than I do. But what if you walked up to the alter and started to undress. Unbuttoned your blouse. Let it slide off your shoulders and hit the ground. Stepped one leg at a time out of your pants. Your fresh pedicure on that ha...
Read more