Stubborn Sinner

After the womens conference, I had to work the midnight shift. Nothing big. I just had to watch a patient sleep. But whenever I have to do that, I watch YouTube on my phone, get involved in deep thought, draw, whatever. But I was clearly affected by the conference. I was thinking of what I could possibly talk about during a devotional. And very clearly, I heard, "Who do you think you are?" It was very matter of fact. Like someone had their hands on their hips, challenging me. Questioning me. Like a parent would say to a child. I let the thought go. I figured it had something to do with my current thoughts. The tone of the voice alone was authoritative. So, it wasn't like a angry peer or anything like that. It was definitely hands on the hips, standing over top of me, very dominant communication. But quite simply, "who do you think you are?" And I communicated that occurrence to my girlfriend at work. I like to convey little things like that so that I w...

I want to be as honest as possible because this blog is for ME and I am being honest with and about ME. I want to look back and see exactly where I was. This is not a fairy tale. No one is going to snap their fingers and I am just gonna be changed. Delivered. Made holy. No. Nothing like that. This is not a fairy tale. I am angry today. And it has nothing to do with God (I don’t think) or anything that I am trying to figure out or anything like that. I am angry. I am angry at my circumstances. I am angry that I am alone. I am angry at WHY I am alone. I am angry at theses bitches I work with. I am angry at my family. I am angry that everybody who has come into my life follows a pattern. They activate my vulnerability and for whatever reason, disappear. Sometimes in a hail of gunfire and sometimes, they just go… And I’m kinda done with people. I stay to myself too because I am well aware that people like me do not get to experience good love or real love. People do not fuck w...

Anxious af. Western culture is anxious af. We live in the future. We prepare for the "what if". That's what insurance is about. The "what if". Just in case some shit happens. But in living like that, we are hurried. There is irreverence for the "now".  We cant enjoy the "now" because we already lived it...yesterday. But anxious. Yes. That's how I am with Gods plan for me. I need it now. So I can pencil it in. Prepare for my presentation. Press my suit. Name tag. Briefcase. I wanna be ready. I AM ready. But that's my ego, though. No honestly, I'll get heart palpitations. I cant breathe. I don't understand this phase or "transition" but I'm all for it. Lets do it!! So,  I attended a church service yesterday. I'm not sure why I didn't go to my home church. I had thought about a church closer to my home. Not to join but I don't know what I was doing. Like I said, I'm anxious and I don...

                              Right as its about to get cold outside, I’m realizing its cold as fuck in church. Nothing about this is pleasant. I’m at work crying. I hate this right now. My mind isn’t clear enough to pray. So I am trying to write. Trying to use an anti-septic wipe to scrub “play me” off my forehead. Its like you go to church to be cleansed. I guess. To be cleansed of whatever the hell life has put on you. But it doesn’t take long to realize that folks in the church are dirty gamers. They got the new shit before the new shit even comes out.   The looks. The back stabbing. The sabotage. The evilness. Strife. Damn. Some of these people need anti-septic wipes more than I do. But what if you walked up to the alter and started to undress. Unbuttoned your blouse. Let it slide off your shoulders and hit the ground. Stepped one leg at a time out of your pants. Your fresh pedicure on that ha...

Yes, I inhaled. I don't think it was my conscious decision at the time, but yes. I took a long puff, held it in my lungs, exhaled years of bullshit through my noise and laid down in his arms. I transcended to a state that is unknown to the scientific man.  And from what I was told, I was with God.  Amazing. I got to do that BEFORE dying. Before I had to stand before him and explain my life. Before my halfway comical, halfway cynical, intuitive, sensitive ass got to say, "Okay God, what had happened was..." But I am okay with that explanation of my ordeal in church. It makes sense. I was ASKING for him. Something. Anything. My relationship with my mother and sisters is broken. God used another "mother and sister" to reach me, to usher me closer to him. Nice move!  But the air was clean like eucalyptus. A weightlessness ensured. I was at a level of peace and euphoria that is unimaginable in the flesh. I was high off the Holy Spirit.  I wante...

So today, something happened that I never thought would. I fell the fuck out at church. Oh, yeah, I use profanity. So if you are looking for the white gloved, let me hold you close to my bosom church elder, that aint me. Not to say that it wont happen in the future. Just not today... Anyway, I am stubborn. But life experience has taught me to be that way. To be protective of my space and my being. To be in control. I had to be. I used to let my husband lead but yeah....fuck that. That's a whole different blog. On a whole different night.  AFTER 2 glasses of pinot grigio. But I am an observer. Analyzer. Thinker. I always wanted to know what and why when I saw people fall out at church. I was NEVER gonna do that. I mean, to lose composure...in a room of people. Uh, yeah. I'll pass. Today, the holy spirit had a totally different plan for my ass. Last week, at a women's conference,  I was comfortable enough to open up. Tears and all. Folks prayed around me. While, I h...